Call it a mother’s intuition but I felt like something was “off” at my 20 week anatomy scan. I knew the technicians weren’t allowed to give out any information so she didn’t say much but something just didn’t feel right in my gut.
I had my doctors appointment the following day and told my husband I would run over and take care of it on my own. With it being our second child, I knew it was going to be a quick, non-eventful one but I was wrong.
The doctor explained that I need to see a specialist because they believed my son had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. I remember calling my husband devastated.
Needless to say, that was the last appointment I went to on my own. Over the remainder of my pregnancy, we learned a lot about a condition that I never knew existed, but it managed to change our whole world.
My son was born in July of 2019 and he was immediately transferred to the NICU at the children’s hospital in our area. The 17 days he was alive was a whirlwind of emotions. Constantly waiting for the phone to ring, the bad news, the constant fear.
His doctors were incredible and honest with us from the start and in August after a scheduled surgery, the doctors explained that we had reached the end of the road for my little fighter. I held my son for the first time as he passed away in my arms.
I am always speechless when friends and family tell me how brave I am for dealing with something so devastating. I don’t see it as bravery. Parents are strong because you don’t have any other choice but to be. Our daughter needed us so we had to find a way to grieve while still being there for her.
It wasn’t long after his passing that my husband and I discussed the possibly of having another baby. We instantly knew we wanted to start trying as soon as we were cleared to do so.
We knew having another baby wouldn’t replace what we lost but we also knew our reasoning for wanting another baby had not changed. We had done all the genetic testing and knew our chances of having another baby with CDH was 2% and it was a risk we were willing to take in hopes of having a healthy baby.
Almost a year after my sons passing, I found out I was pregnant. I don’t think I was prepared for the emotional rollercoaster this pregnancy has been. It’s been a mixture of excitement and concern.
And even after we got the clear at our 20 week anatomy scan that our daughter is healthy, I still feel like I am bracing for the storm cloud to coming rolling in.
I love calling my daughter my rainbow baby because I believe that she is a beautiful light amidst a dark storm cloud. I miss my son every day but I believe everything happens for a reason. I was excited to take these maternity photos with my daughter as a way to celebrate and honor all my children.
Photos Taken By Cindy Quiala Photography.
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