The day I found out that I was a mother, I was very moved, I felt like I was living in a dream. Before I knew it I thought that I was just feeling bad, but when I smelled my husband I knew that something was not as usual.
Surprisingly, the universe aligned that day. My mom and sister came to visit me from Colombia, and I waited to see them and tell them that we had someone else on the way. When we told them we shouted, we danced and I felt full and the miracle that was growing inside of me made me believe that I could be a mom. It was a pregnancy where I lost weight due to vomiting, dizziness and pain; but for the doctor that was normal…NORMAL, what a painful word, they always described us like that, normal.
The love for our son grew and grew every day, we imagined what he was going to do, what we were going to teach him and how we were going to dress him. We always had great enthusiasm for our son, Oliver and I came together and shared this home (my body), we beat together and it was the sweetest sound I have ever heard.
During check-ups with the doctor and ultrasounds I explained my pain, that I was still vomiting all the time, I started to feel a jolt in my uterus and when I explained it to the doctor he told me that it was normal… Week 20 arrived and in the ultrasound they told me that my cervix was getting shorter, I didn’t understand what was happening but the nurse’s tone left me worried, when I went to see the doctor he told me that everything was perfect and normal that I should visit him in two weeks. I asked, what about the cervix? What’s wrong with my cervix? The doctor left the room and told me you’re right, you have an incompetent cervix, we have to operate tomorrow.
When I got home I started to investigate, I didn’t understand what was happening, that I was cervical incompetent? why incompetent? I felt bad. I cried for the fear of losing my son Oliver in the cerclage surgery and how it was possible that I would have to tell the doctor what happened to me when he is supposed to review my ultrasound. Nothing was right but I had to trust.
The surgery was a success, my husband was with me all the time and my mom traveled again to take care of me because now, I had to be in total rest without moving or doing any activity standing up other than bathing, I felt alone even though my son was with me, I cried and worried that he was okay. The 24 weeks arrived and I relaxed a bit, because I was born at 24 weeks, Oliver could survive too.
25 weeks and my water broke while brushing my teeth, I made a force and felt strange as my belly dropped. However, I didn’t think it was true, I thought I pee or something, until it was 2 in the morning, my husband was working and I knew it was my water. I called my mother-in-law and thank God she answered, she picked me up and was very attentive with me until my husband showed up.
During my pregnancy I always had 25-6 days in mind, I knew something was going to happen on that day. I begged God and asked Oliver to stay inside me longer, but at 25-6 days Oliver was born on December 18, 2021, it didn’t hurt, I actually remember that moment with so much love, I heard him cry at birth, and when I saw him I said “thank you God and he is he the most beautiful baby in the universe” while the melody was on, I was like a dream, then, he was rushed to the NICU.
I felt that nothing bad could happen anymore because Oliver had been born alive, I trusted, and start struggled to get my milk so that he had it when i visit him in one of the the times I touched him and he squeezed my finger so hard that I couldn’t believe it, only later I understood that my baby gave me his strength to go on living. Three days after he was born, Oliver was doing very well, he was reacting to his medication and they actually took it off because the doctors said he no longer needed it but at 11 am Oliver’s heart stopped beating, he had a number 4 bleed in his brain and his heart can’t stand it. I was still in the hospital and they called me running to be there for his last breath, there were doctors everywhere and I saw how they tried to bring him back, but I knew that he was not going to come back. I was alone, my husband rushed after the nurse to talk to him to get to us. We had the plan to change his diaper for the first time at 12 but at 11:58 am Oliver left our world.
It is the strongest and most heartbreaking pain of my life, my son, my sweet Oliver is no longer here on this plane, he lives in heaven waiting for us. In his memory we donate his milk to the milk bank in Texas, we bought a tree in his State Tx, we donate his belongings with much love, I also try to be involved in many projects that honor his life and keep his name alive.
As a consequence I moved back to Colombia, my thoughts of suicide were more constant and I needed peace, now I try to heal my pain, with a lot of patience because there is not a day that doesn’t hurt or think of my beautiful Oliver.
Read more about incompetent cervix here.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Pin and help spread the project!