Ashlee B's Story

Life is pretty ironic, and God has a unique way of answering prayers. In December of 2021 we found out we were having our 3^rd baby, our baby to complete our family. It came by a surprise as we were not trying and actually still deciding if we wanted to have another. I felt it was God telling us that we were meant to have a 3^rd. But at 9 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound and we found out our little baby had no heartbeat. I was devastated, feeling a pain that I had never felt before and all I thought was “how could God put me through this pain, how could He do this me”. After having 2 very easy pregnancies and getting pregnant so easy with them I never in my wildest nightmares thought this was possible, and because of that I felt very hurt and confused. But I did my best to trust God and that he would make sense of this someday, but I knew in my heart that it was not the end, so I prayed…a lot.

After hearing our baby had no heartbeat, I was bombarded with having to make decisions on how to remove the baby, which was horrifying for me to have to think about. My body wasn’t recognizing that my baby had passed, so my doctor recommended that I go with the DNC procedure. We lost our baby on a Thursday, and the following Tuesday I had my DNC scheduled. If things weren’t bad enough at that point, that Friday (after my DNC), I started bleeding and dropping tennis ball sized clots. My blood pressure had been dropping, I felt so weak and was shaking. It was very easy to see that something was not right. My husband had rushed me to the Emergency room that Friday afternoon, only for them to do another DNC to remove even more. At that point I felt broken, I didn’t think I would ever recover. Not only did I feel like my body couldn’t keep a baby alive, but then it couldn’t even recognize that our baby was gone. I felt like I couldn’t wake up from the worst nightmare of all time. Now looking back I realize why God did what He did. As the bible says “Thy Will Be Done”.

I used my platform on social media to share my story, talking about it seemed to help me cope. And with all the pain I was feeling, I just wanted to know that it was normal to feel how I was feeling. I wanted to know that I was going to be okay. I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone. And the amount of women that reached out to me saying “me too” was shocking but at the same time comforting. To know you are not alone while going through a heartbreak and tragedy is the most comforting thing to feel. I was inspired by other women who experienced this loss to seek therapy, to name our angel, and to continue to share. We landed on Raelynn Rose for our angel baby. Only God knows, but I believed she was a girl.

Even though I had hit a new low after my miscarriage, it wasn’t until we started trying again and not conceiving, that I had hit rock bottom. I felt like something was wrong with me that we weren’t getting pregnant, and that it was why we had miscarried in the first place. Like I said my first 2 pregnancies happened right away, so when it wasn’t happening, I automatically put the blame on myself, because I was still looking for a reason as to why we lost our third baby. I was taking my anger out on everyone around me, especially my kids and husband. Finally my husband had enough of dealing with my emotional and mental trauma (he tried so hard to help me himself), he told me I either needed to seek help or he was done trying.

That night I reached out to a friend, who had been going through the same struggles as me. She gave me some very uplifting advice and the next day I called the nurses hotline to be seen by a doctor and got in to be seen 2 days later. I felt so crazy and messed up discussing how I felt and sharing my thoughts on what was wrong with me, and he could see I was reaching for reasons as to why we had miscarried and as to why we weren’t getting pregnant. But he never judged me, he just listened and then gave his advice to help me. I started my antidepressant on a Thursday and that Saturday we got pregnant with our Rainbow. It was funny in an ironic way…We had been praying for months and months to have our rainbow, to finish our family, to honor our angel, and all of it led to this… God wouldn’t bless us with our rainbow until I had taken the steps to take care of myself and my mental health. And I truly believe he was looking out for me when we had miscarried, because dealing with undiagnosed postpartum depression for almost 3 years was hindering my parenting and my marriage. I can’t even imagine how I would have handled bringing a newborn into this world, when I was in that dark of a mental state. But thankfully medication has allowed me be able to present with my kids, with my husband and enjoy this last pregnancy with our Rainbow.

Someone told me “maybe it’s not hitting rock bottom, maybe its being planted so you can bloom”. 2022 was the hardest year of my life, overcoming all these struggles. But God was simply giving me opportunities to bloom, and I FINALLY figured out I was being planted. God led me to healing, and with that he blessed us with our Rainbow.