I met Daryl originally back in 2013 then again and started our relationship in 2015 and we got married in 2019. We found out I was pregnant to our daughter in 2016 and it took us almost a year of TTC to have our son in 2020. I have also donated my eggs via IVF three times
November 2021 we planned to complete our family with baby number three but after a full year went by and nothing we sought doctors help. I had multiple blood tests and Daryl also got checked out and the doctors final plan: “refer to secondery infertility clinic.” which is when we finally got the positive test!
Please understand I sympathise people have it harder than me and I know our one early loss doesn’t really come close to the struggles other parent have but this is my story and 16 months of negatives and multiple pregnancy/births around me hurt, so yes it felt surreal when I finally saw a positive “Even though im so ‘lucky’ to already have a child”
The week we lost our baby..
Something I never thought I’d write.
We have read miscarriage grief blogs and that is how we found the Journey for Jasmine – Project Finding Your Rainbow.
Reading other parents stories helped us realise our feelings are valid so I hope writing our story helps others too.
Baby Grace
February – March 2023
March 5th
This is the day my period was due, I had a fair bit of pain right in my lower belly but didn’t really think much of it as I’m used to some aches and pains with my suspected endo, my sister had joked “oh you’re pregnant”. I took a First Vue pregnancy test strip which came back negative and went to bed disappointed but not surprised.
March 6th
I still hadn’t started my period and still having some belly pains I took it, laid it down and forgot about it for about 20 minutes. I went back and found a super faint line, the first one in 16 months, my previous have never shown a line even after the check window time, its unreal how I felt right there and then but I knew it could still be negative with not checking in the time window, I had to do the school run and pick up some more tests, all with the hope that it was in fact a positive and not an evaporation line.
As soon as I got back I took another test within a couple minutes we had a definite but very faint positive, because of how faint it was I was still on edge.
March 7th – I started the day by taking another test – faint positive again, so I tuck a Clearblue digital – “pregnant 1-2” came up on the screen after the longest 2 minutes and 54 seconds, the paper said results in 3 minutes so as happy as I was, I still had some mixed feelings in the back of my mind, the wait was nearly to long, the tests was still faint, my belly was still hurting but I still wasn’t bleeding and I was still getting positives..
March 8th – I took two more pregnancy test, both faint, barely positive(one Clearblue and one Clear and Simple)
I made a baby vests – something I’ve just started to do and enjoy – we told our immediate family and the couple friends, I wanted to be more open with this pregnancy as I’d been sharing my trying to conceive story, I just needed that stronger line first.
March 9th – Woke up, still no period so took yet more tests thinking they must be stronger now, it’s been 4 days and my levels are suppose to multiple daily, no? Both still positive but barely noticeable. I kept taking photos to send to my mum and sister as I’d been speaking to them about my concerns with the pains and the still faints, they reassured me they could definitely see them, I was definitely pregnant and to wait to test next week and really I was going too..
..and then I started to bleed at 15:44.
I went for a wee before I had to go on the school run, I check the tissue every time been paranoid – I wiped and there was light pink fluid on the tissue, I wiped twice more and the same amount on each wipe, I felt instantly sick but I had to collect Lexi from after school club, I put on a pad, picked her up.
When I got home I wiped and now the fluid was brown.
This is when I rang the community midwives as I read that these are who can refer you to the early pregnancy unit but they told me to ring my GP which is when I had the gut feeling of what was coming.
My doctor was surprisingly easy to get hold of and he called me back within 5 minutes, he asked about the pains, wiping and how far I am etc, then told me to come in with a urine sample, by this point I was fully bleeding and you could see it in the sample.
I showed him the tests including the most recent that I took a few hours before too which he said was negative until I pointed out that there was in fact a line, I’m not sure if the lighting was off where he was sat or his glasses where a little dirty but there was definitely a visible line.
I sat down and had my blood pressure and pulse taken, he then felt my belly, the pain was like nothing I’ve ever felt.
He spoke lightly of miscarriage but said he was going to run a pregnancy test to see what he can find out, he left the room for what felt like hours but was only around five minutes, the room was silent baring the clock ticking, all I had going round in my head is “I’m losing my baby” but at the same time trying to convince myself he was going to come back and tell me it’s just implantation bleed and I’m just still early.
He walked back in the room and straight past me to the window in silence for another minute he turned to me and callously said them words –
“It looks negative – you are having a miscarriage”
I wish I checked his test, I wished I asked more before he just threw it in the bin. He told me he didn’t think it was ectopic as im “now negative” and he’s going to ring the gynecologist to double check.
He rang the gyne and was on hold for around 10 minutes – He didn’t speak a word to me, just left me sobbing, he told them how far I was, the pain and the bleeding, then told them I had a negative test and they confirmed, on speaker over the phone, I was having a miscarriage too.
As soon as he put the phone down the very first thing he said to me was – “you’re quite lucky it’s now, some people find out later on” I was made to feel ridiculous for my reaction. He then asked if I had someone waiting outside and if I can walk home and said goodbye.
He had no basic human compassion at all and no information on what to do next: what’s going on, how long I’d bleed, how long I’d hurt, no emotional support routes, nothing – not even a tissue or a fake ‘sorry for your loss’.
Daryl had to stay at home with the kids as it was there teatime, I had to walk home to tell Daryl we was loosing our baby just days after finding out..
That was the longest walk I’d ever done.
We have never cried just as hard as we have over this news.
It’s such a weird time where in the same week you find out you’re pregnant and start to plan your future – you have to process you’re now not.
I had to find support online myself, I found a lot of comfort when I found ways to memorialise our baby, to remember it as a pregnancy and not just a late period.
We named our baby Grace.
A loss is a loss and grief comes in all different forms.
When reading the grief blogs we stumbled across a post that said you are less likely to have another miscarriage if you get pregnant in the first three months rather than waiting 6 months plus. We decided to start trying again on the day I had ovulation pains after the bleed but emotionally it was still hard.
All we could think about was how long we tried for our Grace, the months of disappointment in seeing negative tests and the roller coaster of finally seeing a positive so quickly after negatives again (we took three in total) .. but by some sheer miracle on April 1st we got another positive!!
This pregnancy has been absolutely terrifying, I’ve been having a lot of cramping pains BUT my pregnancy tests were getting stronger, I had a clearblue pregnant 1-2 and 2-3 before the pains got quite bad with a pins and needles pain in my shoulder which ended up taking me to A&E, I was certain we was loosing our child again but I got the exciting news that my BHCG levels were 1440 (I had no idea what this meant but after an internal exam she told me congratulations and that she’s thinks everything is in the correct place but has sent me to the EPAU to confirm.
My levels had me as pregnant the day before I had my miscarriage so there was a slight worry about what was actually going on still but at my scan they told me I wasn’t as far as my bloods where showing and they had to rescan in two weeks to see if my baby was viable.
This two weeks absolutely dragged! I haven’t had a day in this pregnancy where I was able to be excited, I have spent every single day terrified. No one really talks about just how scary pregnancy after loss is and how the naive excitement just isn’t there anymore.
Some good news is though at my next scan baby had grown and we saw the perfect strong heart beat! The weight seemed to have lifted off our shoulders, the told us our pregnancy was viable and had discharged me over to my GP / Midwife services!
I was still so worried though so we also booked in for a private scan so we could at least get a picture of our baby as its always at the back of our minds “just incase”.
7 weeks 6 days, we saw our baby again, it was big enough to see on an abdominal scan! That little heartbeat going so strong made us so happy! I had a small bleed after the scan which I tried to ignore but I did bring it up at my first midwife appointment who told me to call eapu back
We’re now at 9 weeks and I saw my baby again today, it is now measuring exactly the same as estimated, he showed me the little heat beating away and the little arms and legs that have started to grow!
I am finally feeling excited for my rainbow baby!
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