Before getting pregnant with my daughter (who is now 3) I had a very early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy as some call it). The month after was depressing but I was very lucky to find out I was pregnant again that same month! I was worried for a few weeks but nothing like the journey I’ve since encountered. My pregnancy with my daughter was very normal and healthy and uneventful.
We decided to stop birth control when she was around 8 months and I night weaned to get my period back. To my surprise we were pregnant right away! I couldn’t believe it. I was going to have a summer baby!
Our first ultrasound was Halloween 2019 and I thought I would be at least 9 weeks since I only had had one period and had found out at least 4 weeks before and usually you don’t get positives until around 4 weeks pregnant so I had to be at least 8/9 weeks, right?. When they told me I was only measuring 6 weeks and a few days I knew something wasn’t right. That would mean I would have got pregnant AFTER I found out I was pregnant and that makes no sense. The nurse practitioner just shrugged and said sometimes things happen like this.
I advocated to get a follow up ultrasound because I just wanted to make sure. I had planned on announcing at my daughters first birthday party and was unsure now if I should, but I am a big person on announcing whenever you want and that I would need support if something was wrong anyways. On our way to our follow-up ultrasound, it was snowing a lot so we had to cancel and reschedule. I remember the exact date of the reschedule because it was my daughters first birthday, November 14th. When we went to the follow-up the ultrasound tech wouldn’t show us the screen, per protocol, and never hinted one way or another. I couldn’t necessarily tell what my gut was saying but once the doctor came in and said “unfortunately we could not find a heartbeat”, I sorta was thinking that I figured this was gonna happen.
A missed miscarriage. The baby had stopped growing only 3 days after my first ultrasound. It feels weird to have announced and celebrated when in reality the baby was no longer alive. I decided to take the pills to try and avoid surgery. Unfortunately not everything cleared and also unfortunately I had to go all the way from Wisconsin to Georgia for Thanksgiving while everything was still inside me! It was stressful not knowing if I’m gonna start miscarrying on my own some more or what. I made it through the holiday and when we came back had a D&C.
Another hard part about this miscarriage was that I had 3 other friends who were pregnant with me and they continued their pregnancies. This caused a lot of depression and anxiety. I got pregnant again the following May, one month before I would have been due with the last pregnancy. I was excited again. I had been wanting another pregnancy so so bad. Unfortunately that ended in a natural miscarriage 2 months after.
I decided then to take a mental health break. Now all of the friends who had been pregnant with me the year before had their babies and I had 2 miscarriages in a little less than a year. I decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of my babies so I decided I would take a tiny break. When I came back from my break and was ready to try to conceive again I realized that it was so so hard mentally to try and conceive. I was stressed all the time and depressed. We also were in the middle of exiting the military (my husband was Coast Guard) and moving and trying to figure out how to buy a house. We decided to move back to our hometown.
In February of 2021 I found out once again that I was pregnant! I had taken clomid this time and tried progesterone. Unfortunately it ended in another chemical pregnancy 4 days later, even after getting it confirmed by a local pregnancy center. That same month, my friend from college who got pregnant last summer with me, gave birth to her son, Miles, and unfortunately because of circumstances that were unknown while he was in the womb he passed away after birth. This threw me for a huge loop. I know that late pregnancy losses happen and infant losses happen but not to anyone I personally know. Those are just stories I’ve read online. I remember screaming in the car, WHY WHY WHY? Why do these things happen to people. Why does anyone who TRULY wants a baby so bad have to lose them? It was so unfair.
I decided ok I am done trying for the foreseeable future. I cannot do this to myself. I was in such a deep depression. Crying a lot and just feeling like I needed to be fixed. I wanted to go to a dr to see what was going on. Well as cliche as it is (and I absolutely hate that it happened this way) the one time my husband and I had sex that month during my fertile window we got pregnant. I was so angry at him. I did not want to be pregnant. This was the first time I’ve ever seen a positive pregnancy test and actually been upset about it. I did not want to lose another baby, I mentally could not handle that!
This pregnancy has been so very very hard when it comes to my mental journey. I have cried a lot. I have imagined a stillbirth, I have imagined a late term loss. My husband is away at boot camp and will miss the birth and I have just imagined me over and over having to talk to him on the phone saying we lost the baby. Pregnancy after loss is very hard and this is definitely the hardest one I’ve ever had. Your innocence is completely gone and anxiety is brought on 10x worse.
I am due at the end of November and try to think positively but also I think that my mind tries to protect my heart by also thinking realistically that legit anything can happen. I am sure that everything will go great but this is pregnancy after loss and this is my journey. I cry a lot over what all has happened to my family in the last 2 years. The one thing that has gotten me through a lot is my husband for one but also the online community. Bonding with strangers who have gone through the same things.
Photos taken by Midwest & Pine.
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