My Motherhood journey is not my dream, but how it moves weaves me into the Mother that I am. I hold onto my first pregnancy, with my son Robbie, with the innocence many first-time mothers experience. His pregnancy went smoothly, until I needed an emergency C-section. Even then, that went smoothly and I’ve been growing with him ever since. I am happily nostalgic and blessed to experience his journey alongside my own.
However, our family has not been growing as I had imagined that it would. I’ve lost three pregnancies since, within a year: From Mother’s Day 2020 to Mother’s Day 2021. I was devastated when I miscarried Lonnie at 6 weeks. I temporarily lost my mind when I miscarried identical twins Brook and River at 15 weeks. I was broken when Bellamy’s loss was confirmed at 7 weeks. Four of my children lost their potential. I have gained a “secondary infertility” label.
I began to share my Motherhood journey publicly on Instagram @mama_grow_home as a way to honor all of my children and to contribute to the discussion of pregnancy loss experience.
My version of “Project Finding Your Rainbow” is a different kind of Rainbow Baby story. I celebrate all of my children, living and lost. They have all woven me into the Mother that I am today. I hold every unique presence with me all the time. They are my Rainbow Babies.
Although my Motherhood journey is still moving in the dark, I have starlight to guide me. I will always look for stars. They’re millions of years old, and they’ve seen life in all of it’s forms.
Photos taken by Lauren Cox Photo.
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