My Story with Anna
Anna was a miracle from the beginning. From the moment I saw two pink lines on the at home pregnancy test I was worried about another miscarriage. But the pregnancy progressed. Every positive blood test and ultrasound was a huge win for us. Our little baby seemed to be growing and everything was progressing normally. So, when the 12-week mark came I finally decided to tell all our friends and family we were having a baby!
Then when the 20-week anatomy scan came we were so excited to find out the gender. Those 3 little words, “It’s a girl,” filled me with overwhelming joy. We’d suffered many miscarriages and losses before our boys. I’d always wanted a girl and the news was a literal dream and prayer come true. It may sound selfish to have wanted a girl over a boy. But I’d always wanted a daughter and always pictured myself with a little girl. My boys are so much fun, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I’m a boy mom through and through. But I dreamed of doing all those girl things. Such as brushing hair, girl talks, and relating the way only mothers and daughters can.
Next, after the ultrasound tech left, the doctor came in and I immediately knew something was wrong. She said to me, “There is something wrong with the baby’s heart and I need to have a closer look.” It felt like someone had knocked all the air out of my lungs. I struggled to sit up and catch my breath. I was not expecting this at all. As she did another ultrasound and looked at our baby girl’s heart, I felt God say to me, “I will be glorified in this.” I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t doing anything but listening to the fears in my mind. What is she going to tell me? What’s wrong? Is my baby going to be okay? But God was there.
We didn’t actually find out what was fully wrong with our daughter that day, but a few short months later we were told that there was a good chance she would not make it to term or be born alive. I wanted a natural delivery but was told there was a chance she’d not survive delivery. Therefore, I opted for a cesarean so that I may have a greater chance of meeting my baby alive. That was my heart’s desire.
Obviously, it was a difficult time. The hardest thing I’ve ever or will ever face. But God was faithful during that time. I chose to cling to my faith and share God’s goodness through out our pregnancy. That no matter what happens God is still good, and He is my source of comfort and strength. One of the most profound statements in the Bible in my opinion is in the book of Job. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad? (Job 2:10)
My pastor says, “That once something tragic happens in someone’s life they often walk away from the Lord.” But I’m reminded of our covenant relationship with our spouse. When we say, “I do.” We also say for better or for worse. And when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior there were no stipulations involved.
When you choose to see God’s goodness and you choose to live a life of faith then that good comes back to you in amazing ways. My friends threw me a prayer shower instead of a baby shower. My friends and family came around me and supported me and loved me, my husband, and baby, in a special way. They left handwritten prayers for me to keep forever and gathered around us and prayed for us. Yeah, it was hard. No need to sugar coat the situation, but I saw so much beauty in my pain. I saw love in new ways. I saw God and people in new ways. I gained so much wisdom and understanding through this trial and loss.
My daughter, Anna Roan Brown beat all the odds and made it to term, was born alive, and lived 112 minutes. She was beautiful and perfect in her own way. I am eternally grateful for the gift of her.
I have since then gotten more involved in church by leading a small group. I also opened my own non-profit in her name called, Anna Roan Ministries, and even wrote a book about my experience called 112 Minutes of Miracle.
I’m forever changed, but for the better. I may not have an earthly daughter but look forward to eternity with her someday.
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