On June 2019, after work, still in my scrubs I had a feeling I should do a pregnancy test.
Once I saw the plus signs, I started to have an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, fear, and excitement. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be a mother. I told my husband with tears in my eyes and he was happy but also anxious of us being parents. He reminded me that no one is really ready to be parents.
I remembered praying that our baby will be healthy throughout the pregnancy. He was going to be due on February 2020.
On our 20th Week Anatomy Scan, that was when our lives changed. We found out that our baby was a boy, but also found out from the scan he had some health concerns. The doctors were suspecting he has a condition called VACTERL Association which is a birth defect that affects multiple body systems.
Vertebral Defects
Anal Atresia
Cardiac Defects
Tracheo-esophageal fistula
Renal Anomalies
Limb Abnormalities
Unfortunately, he had all of these birth defects listed above. After finding out his condition and what his life will entail such as getting multiple surgeries throughout his life, they provided us the option for termination.
My husband and I were devastated. I remembered constantly crying and praying that there was some of miracle and that our baby will eventually be OK and live a healthy life. We had a choice between continuing the pregnancy and go through all types of different risks or terminate the pregnancy.
But I had faith and wanted to continue our pregnancy. We had several doctor appointments more than the norm because they considered me as high risk pregnancy. We saw a genetics doctor, cardiologist, and gastroenterologist. The more we went to these appointments, the more bad news we were receiving. After visiting these appointments, I always left with tears in my eyes.
We decided to name our baby boy Maverick. We wanted a name that included my first name initial as well as adding my husband’s initial into his name. My husband was a Top Gun fan and liked the name Maverick.
Around Dec 2019, I was having my biweekly ultrasound with my perinatologist and saw that I could be going to labor early. Immediately, she advised me to go the hospital. I was admitted in the hospital for a week for observation to make sure I did not give birth. It was still too early for Maverick to come out. After being in the hospital for more than a week, the doctors felt confident to discharge me but I had to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.
On January 10, 2020, my water broke in the middle of the night. I was in labor for about 25 hours. Maverick was born on January 11, 2020 at 12:23 AM. He was beautiful. I was able to hold him for a bit but the NICU team had to take him away immediately due to respiratory issues. He was intubated which meant he needed a ventilator to help him breathe.
Not even 24 hours of giving birth, Maverick had his first surgery and they placed a colostomy bag because he had renal anomalies.
All of Maverick’s life, he stayed in the NICU. I would visit him every single day until he fell asleep at night. I would read him books and his favorite was the Hungry Caterpillar. The nurses would even have him watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he loved it. Maverick had multiple procedures done to him. Throughout his life, he either needed to be intubated or on a nasal cannula for oxygen.
On April 10, 2020, he had a stent procedure done to be placed in his bronchial and to insert a new feeding tube. After his procedure, I was hopeful that once his stent was placed, he would slowly get adjusted to breathing on his own without oxygen. On April 11, 2020, I felt something was wrong with Maverick. His breathing sounded off even while on oxygen and he was lethargic. I notified the nurse and they only checked if his stent was OK. I remembered that night I didn’t want to leave and it was already past midnight. But I needed some rest so I went home. Two hours later, I get a call from the NICU that Maverick coded. My husband and I rushed back to the hospital.
They found out that the feeding tube punctured his intestines and caused him to go septic. They immediately sent Maverick for surgery for possible repair. Even during surgery, his vitals were not doing well. They wanted to see if Maverick became stable enough to do the rest of the surgery. The nurses told me that Maverick was in critical condition. Not something a mother would like to hear but I already knew he was not doing well from what I saw. Maverick had 3 poles of IV and he had HFOV and nitric oxide ventilators on. The doctors and nurses were doing everything they can to save him.
I remembered I dropped to my knees and begged God, Jesus, all the angels and saints to save my baby. Praying for some type of miracle that Maverick will survive all of this.
Then the doctor said the following lines no parent never wants to hear, “I am sorry but I am afraid there’s nothing more we can do.” They provided us the option to either proceed with a code which the outcome would be the same or let him go peacefully.
My husband and I decided to let him go peacefully. We didn’t want him to suffer any longer. The hospital allowed us to keep pieces of his hair and made memorable painted footprints and handprints.
I held Maverick as he passed peacefully in my arms. He had no tape around his face, no tubes… just him. For some reason, he opened his eyes and looked at me while I was holding him. It reminded me when I held him the first time when was born and he looked right at me. I was the first person he saw when he was born and the last person he saw when he passed. He wanted to see his Mommy for the last time. My husband and I told him how we love him so much and how brave he was to go through different obstacles, that he did such a good job and he can rest. Then his eyes closed.
I went through postpartum depression and needed therapy. Going through the grieving process was a challenging journey for me mentally and spiritually.
No one really gets over grief. Unfortunately it’s forever. We just learn how to cope with it.
But I am thankful for my husband, our parents, family and friends who supported us or gave us a shoulder to cry on.
After our loss, we were not sure if we wanted to have another baby because of how traumatizing it was. But after some reflection and long conversations, we tried for another baby. We ended up having a rainbow baby on September 25, 2021. Maverick has a little sister to look after from heaven.
Photos taken by Jane Robles.
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