1. Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
The process of getting pregnant with our angel, Nyla Rose, wasn’t hard for my husband and I. We were blessed to be able to conceive during sex.
2. What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
Pregnancy with Nyla was what could be expected. You hear about the vomiting, moodiness, and increased appetite with girls and that’s pretty much the way things were with her. She loved all sweet and savory foods!
3. Did you have a reason why your losses occurred?
We have not received an update on why we lost her as we are still waiting on the autopsy results.
4. How far along were you?
39 weeks and 5 days
5. What are your babies names?
Her name is Nyla Rose
6. What was the birthing/loss experience like?
Just a couple of days before my scheduled c-section, I began to cramp in a way that couldn’t be ignored. My husband and I had attended a wedding the night before which was to be our final outing before we welcomed our baby girl. There, I mentioned to my family that I didn’t feel like Nyla was active enough. That next morning, the cramping began. I tried toughing it out for a few minutes before I gave up and told my husband we had to go to the hospital. We arrived excited and anxious because we were anticipating bringing our baby home earlier than expected. The first room we were in was small. This is where we learned the news that our baby girl’s heartbeat couldn’t be found. The nurses tried their best to find it. There was a second opinion, and even a third. They used different devices, but the outcome remained the same. Our worlds shattered instantly and we began to call our relatives to ask them to pray. Things seemed to happen very quickly after that. I was sent off to the operating room to have an emergency c-section. I remember the room being so cold with a haunting silence that day. I kept praying that once the doctor pulled my baby out we’d hear her cry. It didn’t happen. They tried all they could to comfort me because I was so broken and in such disbelief. I could no longer be strong.
7. Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes?
Initially, I did not want to hold Nyla. My husband, however, was certain that he wanted to hold his daughter and spend as much time as he could get with her. That encouraged me, and I’m so happy about that. From that point on, as often as I could have her, I had the nurses bring her to our room. I held my baby until the very bitter end when I was discharged and we had to separate. I am so grateful for my husband’s insistence and the time that I got to spend with my baby. She wore a little crocheted hat that we kept and the hospital also gave us a box of keepsakes. We had the option to take a lock of her hair and also the little gown she wore, but I decided to stick with the hat. The hospital photographer also took beautiful black and white photos of her which we later received free of charge.
8. How was the medical treatment/support during your loss?
Both the medical treatment and the support of the nurses and doctors were great! We were blessed to have a few nurses who also experienced losing their babies. They helped ease our transition into a very difficult journey. I vividly remember the sweetest nurse who held my hands as I was getting the epidural. She gave me a heated blanket to keep me warm and apologized for my loss. Everyone was so careful of the way they handled my husband and I. It was amazing to me.
9. Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss?
There’s no way I would have made it through this without the support of my family. They have been and are still here every step of the way.
10. How were your emotions after loss? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
I believe I experienced a range of emotions. I was in shock, denial, sad, had a few moments of anger, and then hopeful.
11. How did you know you were ready to try again?
We knew right away that we wanted to try again but, interestingly enough, conception of our rainbow baby was a surprise.
12. What has the pregnancy with your rainbow baby been like?
I have had more moments of peace than I anticipated and I believe that my faith is responsible for that. I thought pregnancy following a loss would be riddled with fear and anxiety. I have my moments of concern, but in those moments, I’m reminded in some way, either by my baby’s movement or positive results from a recent test or doctor’s visit, that everything is fine.
13. Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
I didn’t get the opportunity to really experience my angel baby because I never saw her alive. Of course I remember her kicks and movement in utero, but I believe I took that time for granted because I was so anxious to have her earth-side. What I do have is the time I spent with her in the hospital. I held her, cuddled with her, kissed her, and we even took a few pictures on Snapchat. Lol! It wasn’t nearly enough time, but I do treasure that.
14. Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
No one is allowed to tell you how to grieve, but you must allow yourself to feel every bit of it because that’s where your peace comes from. There’s no time limit to it. I personally believe that I’ll forever grieve for my baby. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but if you allow yourself to, day by day, you get stronger.
Photos taken by Legacy’s Eyes.
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