Describe the process of getting pregnant. Was it easy for you? Was it hard? Did you have to go through fertility treatment?
The process of getting pregnant was never an issue for us. Staying pregnant was an issue for us.
What was the pregnancy like? Was it easy and smooth? Hard with a lot of pregnancy symptoms?
Most of my pregnancies were very basic. Just the normal morning sickness that would subside after 12 weeks. Then with Kilee, the morning sickness never stopped. I had to be put on medication. I couldn’t even keep water down. It’s was miserable.
Did you have a reason why your loss/losses occurred?
I have had several losses. The first few within the first twelve weeks with no answers. With Kilee’s loss, it was a second trimester loss. We found my cervix was open for a long period of time and my placenta had a bad infection that could of caused death in both of us.
How far along were you in your pregnancy/pregnancies?
I had three loses in the first trimester and one in the second trimester.
What were your baby/babies’ names?
What was the birthing/loss experience like?
It was traumatic. I was at home, coughed and my water broke. Shortly after I had one extreme cramp and there she was. Then the panic sets in as what do you do next, do you cut the cord, do you wait until you are at the hospital ? Next is what do I do with this baby ? How do you persevere her? All things and questions that would never cross your mind until you are in the moment.
Did you get to spend time with your baby or get any keepsakes to remember your baby/babies?
The first thing I asked the nurses was “if I can’t take her home with me we are going to pretend I didn’t bring a baby with me”. I automatically going into protective mode. The nurse did ask if I wanted to hold Kilee and I automatically said yes. At that moment, I didn’t know it was a thing where they would allow you to spend time with your baby. Again something you do not know about until you’re in the moment. What I do regret is not taking a picture of me holding her. The hospital did provide a memory box with pictures of her, her hat and blanket. Along with her measurements and more.
How was the medical treatment/support during your loss/losses?
When I thought something was wrong when I started bleeding in my second trimester, since I wasn’t text book of bleeding through a pad every hour I was ignored. I wasn’t textbook so I was dismissed by doctors. When my water broke the doctors didn’t believe me and I was told “are you sure you didn’t just pee yourself”. It wasn’t until I was in the hospital and going to have surgery for a retained placenta before I was given respect and was listened to. Finding support after loss, it was through social media when that I found this community of amazing people who understood me. People who made me feel I wasn’t alone in my feelings whether they were good or bad.
Did you receive support from family and friends after your loss/losses?
Yes, I did receive support but with support also comes unsolicited comments. I know they are trying to help in their mind but it hurt more than helped. Please do not tell someone that everything happens for a reason, still waiting for a good reason why my daughter died. Also grief does not have an end date and I felt a lot of pressure to just be over it.
How were your emotions after your loss/losses? (Angry, sad, scared, confused, etc)
Emotions – I felt them all. I hit ever stage of grief. It was extremely hard to process. The emotions still hit. What people don’t say is there is a very dark place you can go to when you lose a baby.
How did you know you were ready to try again?
I don’t think there was a point of being ready. After losing Kilee we got pregnant again six month later and lost the baby. Then to our surprise, we quickly got pregnant again and are expecting our rainbow baby.
What was the pregnancy with your rainbow baby like?
Truthfully, it is nerve wracking. It’s emotional. As much as you want to be happy and enjoy all the things you’re supposed to feel during pregnancy it’s tainted. Every ultrasound, doctor appointment, bathroom trips, I just held my breath. You wait to see if the trap door is going to open. You also appreciate pregnancy with your rainbow baby more because each milestone you reach is an achievement.
Is there anything special you do to remember your angel baby/babies?
We planted a flower garden for Kilee. We celebrate her birthday & due date. I started an Instagram to help others who have experienced loss and journey to a rainbow baby because Instagram was a saving grace for me. A community of people I didn’t even know existed out there. It made me feel less alone. We raise awareness for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
Is there anything you want others to know about going through loss?
You are not alone. There are more of us out there than you think. We embrace all and are here for you.
Find out more about Project Finding Your Rainbow.
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