Naive is a word I would use to describe myself prior to the loss. It’s crazy how much someone can change and grow in a year. To start my story: my husband and I fell in love 8 years ago during a time where we both were not looking for love, it found us. We got married a few years later.
We are from Washington State originally and spent the majority of our free time hiking, road tripping, climbing and backpacking. When my husband’s family moved to North Texas 2 years ago we quickly followed suit. My husband and I had a serious talk about having babies and decided we were ready. A few months later I found out I was pregnant with Leo. I was over the moon when I took that test… telling our family… we were just so happy. A few months into pregnancy and I was dreadfully sick. I couldn’t believe that’s what people called “morning sickness”, how about all day sickness… Later to find out, at 22 weeks that something was actually very wrong.
Little Leo had passed away and the whole experience was extremely traumatic. One week we were at an appt and things were fine and the next they were not. I never knew this sort of thing could happen to 1/4 women. Just awful. We also did not get any answers as to why it happened; which I feel like is the hardest part about it but something we have come to peace with.
After the loss I was lost. I didn’t know how to stay strong. I didn’t think I could… The only thing that got me through was my husband, dog, family and faith. Knowing God had a plan for me is the faint light I saw in the deep tunnel of darkness that overtook my life. I started seeing a therapist and started gaining hope.
Months went by. Lots of denial, grieving and healing. My husband and I knew we wanted to try again quickly. Not sure if this was to fill the void that now filled our lives or if we were just so ready to be parents and we knew God would provide.
After much research and a few months we were blessed with our rainbow baby Jackson Leo. I am now nearing the end of my pregnancy, 35 weeks, it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m so grateful to be able to carry my rainbow baby full term. Feeling my baby move and being able to grow this healthy baby boy has been the greatest honor. Nothing compares. I can’t wait to be his Mama!
Although the anxiety never really goes away, the whole thing has honestly made me a stronger person. Unfortunately I have joined a group of women I never thought I would. Talking about it helps. And surprisingly the more I feel comfortable being honest with people about the loss, the more I realize I’m not alone.
Jackson Leo will always have a little Angel brother watching over him. I’m grateful for both my babies and thankful to honor my Angel baby whenever I can. I often think of him when I see something beautiful in nature or a gleam of light shining through the clouds. I know he’s always with me.
Photo taken by Lynzee’s Lens.
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