Pregnancy was not easy for me. I suffered only one loss, and granted others have had it worse, but it was my first pregnancy. That loss occurred in February 2022, just before Valentine’s Day. I went to the ER and found out I was having a chemical miscarriage, 1 week after. I was 6 weeks along. It still hurts to this day. Afterwards, we were told I likely wouldn’t be able to have kids, but my partner and I would’ve never been able to afford fertility treatments. My rainbow baby, who is a year old now, was a complete surprise, and was conceived only 8 months post loss.
The process and experience of being pregnant was not easy either. I had extreme hyperemesis gravidarum, and spent most of my first trimester and half of my second in and out of the local ER for treatment, with one hospitalization due to being so chronically sick. I have 1 doctor to thank for pushing for it, because that hospitalization saved myself and my baby. My heart issues got worse, and my hyperemesis resisted until 27-28 weeks, and it suddenly stopped. I was okay from that point forward.
As far as I know, my one and only loss happened due to a chemical miscarriage, but I was on some pretty heavy antidepressants at the time, and we have no clue if those played into it. I keep wondering still, as I was only 6 weeks.
My rainbow baby girl is the light of my life, along with my supportive partner, and her name is Jasmine. Her middle name is Margaret, which was the first name of my now late grandmother who passed from stage 4 pancreatic cancer when I was 3 weeks postpartum. It’s our way of keeping her memory alive.
As for loss experience and birth experience, my loss was traumatic. I started having such bad pain while still in the ER bed and started bleeding once I was home. It lasted for 3 weeks after, and I felt so guilty, like it was my fault it happened. Fast forward 16 months, and my daughter was born. We made the decision to attempt to induce labor at 39 weeks due to health issues on my end and a fetal diagnosis of microcephaly. The attempted induction went on for almost 3 days, and my body was tired, my daughter’s heart rate decelerating, and my doctor came into the room. We decided the best way at that point was to go through with an emergency C-section. Within an hour, I was prepped and a half hour after that, my daughter was born. I couldn’t see her right away as she needed CPAP therapy at birth, and was wheeled to the nursery at 20 minutes of life.
For my loss, there was no keepsakes, as I was too early, and I hadn’t established prenatal care yet. My rainbow, we came home with a certificate with her tiny footprints on it, plus the door decorations and a seasonal printout with her footprints on that as well.
The hospital system where I was at wasn’t very supportive either and laughed me out of the ER as I began to officially miscarry. They told me to suck it up and go home and suffer.
As for my family and friends, there was an immediate outpouring of support for both myself and my partner. It was horrible on both of us mentally in the beginning, although it’s getting easier as time goes on. I already struggle with mental health issues and was on meds, so I was feeling bad feelings of depression, anger, and self-hatred. I heavily believed it was purely my fault that I lost my angel, and still do to some degree. I just thought if I wasn’t on those meds that maybe I wouldn’t have miscarried.
We never really planned on trying again after, because we were told that I likely wouldn’t ever be able to have biological children due to PCOS and endometriosis. Imagine our surprise when I got those 2 pink lines on a chilly October morning.
As of yet, we don’t do anything special to remember our angel, but I want to start something soon. I need to take comfort in knowing they’re still there in a way.
For anyone else who’s ever experienced a pregnancy/infant/child loss, it’s going to be rough at first. I know it was for me. You’re going to need support, and you’re going to need time to process and grieve your loss. Most importantly though, it isn’t your fault. Please remember that. I heavily believe our angel helped guide our daughter to us, and I’m sure that that’s happened for others who’ve gone through this. You’re still a parent, even if your only child/ren resulted in loss. Nobody can take away the fact that you created and carried a human being, even if it was a short time. Your rainbow will come with time. From one rainbow/angel mama to another, you’re truly not alone.
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