At age 33, I was diagnosed with DOR (diminished ovarian reserve). I was told by my REI I needed to start trying to conceive immediately. We conceived our first child, a little boy, after our 3rd IUI. When we tried for our second child I had an early miscarriage from our 3rd IUI. We then moved to IVF, and I successfully conceived and delivered our second boy.
We had two frozen embryos remaining and decided to try for a third and final child. Our first transfer failed. We then did another egg retrieval and out of 9 eggs retrieved 4 fertilized, and no embryos grew into blastocysts (day 5, day 6, or day 7 embryos). We transferred 2 of the 4 embryos on Day 3 of the cycle and neither embryo successfully implanted.
On March 16, 2022, we transferred our last embryo from our 2020 egg retrieval. That embryo implanted, and at 14 weeks we learned we were having a little girl. I’d dreamed of having a little girl for as long as I could remember. My husband and I were elated. We named her the name we had picked out years ago, Alexandra Grace (“Lexi” for short). At 19 weeks and 2 days, I couldn’t find Lexi’s heartbeat on an at home Doppler. The day before we had an elective ultrasound and the ultrasound tech told us she couldn’t get Lexi’s heart rate because of the position she was in. I had a terrible feeling that something was wrong. My husband urged me to call my OBGYN’s office. When the recording told me my favorite doctor was on call, I felt sick to my stomach. I somehow knew this wasn’t going to end well. She called me back and sent me to triage. At the hospital I learned my worst nightmare had come true. “I’m sorry, I cannot find a heartbeat,” were the only words I remember the doctor saying. On July 11, 2022 I gave birth to my daughter who was no longer alive. My life was forever changed. The little girl I’d always wanted and the life I’d planned with her had died.
We decided to try again for another child. This time we selected an egg donor in addition to me trying one last egg retrieval. My retrieval resulted in one high-level mosaic embryo. We proceeded with one of our donor egg embryos. We couldn’t risk another loss like Lexi. In December 2022, my transfer was successful. I am currently expecting our rainbow baby girl in August 2023.
This has been the most difficult, heartbreaking, and bittersweet journey of my life. I will never “get over” Lexi’s death. I’m trying my best to move forward with my life in a way that honors my sweet girl in Heaven. I’d be completely lost without the community of other loss mamas I’ve met in the last year. If you’re reading this and can relate in any way please don’t hesitate to reach out to me @ivfmama_angelmama.
Photos taken by KacyPhoto.
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