My loss story starts out a little differently. In March 2011 I was 7 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls when I lost them. But they weren’t my babies. I was a gestational surrogate. The loss was hard, and I endured an awkward grief because the twins were biologically not mine. I mourned their loss, mourned for their parents, and my life moved forward.
2013 and I found myself pregnant. I woke up one Sunday morning and was bleeding so heavily I thought I had to be losing the baby. I went to the ER where we saw a wiggling baby with a strong heartbeat and what the MD diagnosed as a subchorionic hematoma. I was told to rest and follow up with my OB. 3 weeks later our sweet baby had no heartbeat. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I chose to have a D&C so testing could be done. We found out she had a chromosomal abnormality and she was a she. We named her Keva Faith.
2017 and we’re expecting again. I’m a bundle of nerves and anxious every time I use the bathroom. I ended up in the ER around 7 weeks with pain in my abdomen. After an ultrasound the OB dropped a bomb on us. The baby was growing outside of my uterus. I was going to be admitted, have an MRI to confirm, and then surgery to end the pregnancy and save my life. I had no choice. The MRI showed a baby growing in the corneal part of my uterus. I was prepped for surgery. I cried lying on that table knowing I’d wake up feeling empty and devastated. I woke up from surgery still crying. The nurses were all talking at once saying I was still pregnant. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what they were saying. My partner was let back and said that the OB went in and couldn’t find a baby where the MRI showed it. I was sent home, still pregnant, with appointments every week to monitor the pregnancy. 2 weeks passed with good scans, a growing baby (miraculously inside my uterus), and then the sh!t hit the fan again. 10 weeks pregnant and no heartbeat. Another D&C. No abnormalities found. No reason for the loss. Another girl who we named Tigerlily Faith.
2019 and another pregnancy. I’m not even sure I can mentally handle another loss. Everything looks good in the beginning. I even make it past 10 weeks, but I don’t feel like I can breathe yet. I feel so disconnected from my baby. We don’t find out the sex because I feel like if it’s a girl I’ll just wait for her to die. 39 weeks pass and my rainbow makes his debut. Cooper Joseph Patrick is born on October 30, 2019 at home and is caught by his daddy. His birth brings such healing to my heart.
2020 and 2 pink lines. I’m better equipped to handle the anxiety, but it’s still very real and very present. At 6 weeks I’m lied to about Twin B who has no heartbeat. I’m told it’s my bowel or feces. My chart states twin pregnancy one without cardiac activity. Again I can’t get too attached to the living baby because I could lose it at any time my mind screams. 37 weeks and 6 days later on May 22, 2021 my rainbow, Marigold Lilah Faith, is born at home. She is born into my waiting hands and fills the remaining holes in my heart.
Thank you Sarah for helping us honor our babies. I included a photo in his Cooper in his rainbow swaddle.
Photos taken by Victoria Cabral Photography.
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