My name is Allissia. I’m the eldest of 5 children. In my spare time I would babysit siblings or cousins. I was always around children and KNEW from a young age (I’m talking like 16) that I was just meant to be a momma..
At 16 I was diagnosed with PCOS.
At 18 I started “trying” with my 2 year boyfriend at the time. I had no idea that PCOS would hinder my fertility. I thought it meant weird periods..
At 20 I started to learn more about infertility, PCOS, and the dos and don’ts of fertility.
In July of 2018 I started to see a reproductive endocrinologist. She sent me for all of the testing possible. Learned that I had a blocked right tube. I had a procedure to unblock it which nearly cost me my life. I took 6 rounds of one kind of fertility meds. That all failed. Asked to take another brand.
Second round worked!! In March of 2019 I got pregnant! I was OVER the moon. My dreams were finally coming true. Around 6 weeks along I went to the ER for cramping. Turns out, IT WAS TWINS. Until that point I had never been so happy in my life. I felt invincible. The thought of losing them never crossed my mind. Until one day, I was off of work and had a dentist appointment. I got dressed, went, came home and went to pee. Except it wasn’t pee. It was baby’s water..
I went to the ER where every dr gave me the doom and gloom. I felt in a fog. Numb. Like it was all just a nightmare. There was not a positive note in the air.. At 16 weeks baby a was already making his way out. They both came out together.. both turned out to be little boys. Perfectly formed. Just tiny.. my heart broke into ashes.. not even pieces..
I haven’t been the same since… How could this happen to me? I thought I did everything right. We took some time to heal. Then, we tried the fertility meds again. The second round of fertility drugs worked AGAIN! I spent every moment panicking. Trying to be perfect. Doing everything my doctors told me to. I passed 16 weeks and felt I could breathe a little easier. Bc NO way could I lose this baby now! I already lost two.
So at 18 weeks I announced. We did a cute photo shoot. Planned everything for WEEKS. Dad even painted the nursery in excitement. At 19 weeks we had a day off together and did all of the shopping we needed to do for the next few weeks. After the 5th store I knew something wasn’t right. I called the ob and they gave me the “rest, water, and Tylenol ” speech. Which I had been doing. But at this point I couldn’t even walk. So I went to the ER. They gave me an ultrasound on my belly. Said baby looks good and sent me home.
I followed up with my ob 3 days later. She gave me an internal exam and sent me for an internal ultrasound at the hospital. I’ve had a million ultrasounds with my twins and for this one so far. But this time, they told me to sit in the waiting room for a minute. My heart started racing. Panic set in. Even though her voice was calm my instinct just told me something was very wrong. She came to get me and brought me back to the phone. It was the ob that that I just saw.. She told me that I was 4 cm dilated. That I needed to go via wheelchair right up to the labor floor.
When I got there they tried to wheel me into the same exact room I lost my boys in. I was on the phone with my fiancé. I let out a wail I didn’t even think was within my lung capacity. While he was screaming asking me what was wrong . I couldn’t even speak. Or think of words. All that I could think was. My boys. All I could feel was the pain. The mourning. Almost like I was losing all three babies at once. My fiancé left work and made it to the hospital in record time. He stayed by my side as drs came in and out with no new news. Just that they’re sorry and I’m too far dilated to save her.
So I stayed in the hospital. My girl had a heartbeat so I was going to fight with her. I stayed in bed. Only up to pee and shower once a week. I drank my body weight in water daily.. 2 weeks after fighting she decided she was tired and wanted to come out. I felt her little kicks for the last time 5 minutes before she was born. I think of that as her telling me goodbye as I never felt her prior to that.. She was perfect. Beyond words. She had mommies fat legs. Dad’s body length and dad’s lips. I’ve never seen anything so perfect in my life. I named her Leonna Mae. Mae after my great gram who raised me during the summer months every year. Leonna after my great grams mom that I never got to meet.
After Leonna was gone I was a shell of a woman. Sleeping my days away. So heavy with grief. I closed the nursery door and cried every time it was opened. I felt consumed with the thought of her not being in me anymore. In the idea of “I’m not a mom… again.. after THREE babies being in my belly”. Life was tough. But. Reality set in. I had to work, pay bills, and try to function as a “normal” adult. But, I wasn’t normal. I had lost three babies now. Why does my body hate me? I failed them! The first day at work was the hardest. Everyone hugging me. Everyone sending their condolences. I cried more then I worked that day.. From then on I just went through the motions. My fiancé suggested we try again. So we did. I tried two more rounds of the fertility drugs except this time, it didn’t work..
At that point I stopped all fertility appointments. Stopped all medications even vitamins. I stopped obsessing over the thought of being a mom. .My fiancé and I both went on a diet. I made an effort to be more active And most importantly, to not try to conceive. I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again. Or worse, to lose another baby. So we went about our lives. He had weight loss surgery. I lost 20lbs.
Then one day, I had the urge to test. I wasn’t sure why. To my complete shock it had TWO lines. I called my sister right away and asked her if she thought it was a false positive. She said NO way. So I drank and drank and drank to hurry another bathroom trip along. I took 3 more tests. All positive. I couldn’t believe my eyes.. No medication? Not even trying? This was a blessing. A miracle! We have been through ALOT already. This pregnancy was also twins. I lost one around 10 weeks. Got nipt bloodwork at 11 weeks which said baby has turners syndrome.. which meant I had a 2% chance she would survive pregnancy. That’s a 98% loss rate!!!! Then I had to have a cerclage procedure. They placed the spinal wrong so I partially felt it. Then I needed a blood patch procedure. That was the most terrifying experience of my life.
I’m currently 23 weeks and taking it day by day. I’m still hesitant, cautious, and overly nervous however, I just know she’s meant to be! We have announced at 22 weeks and are planning a baby shower. I cant even believe it!! Nov 6th I will be taking maternity photos which will announce her gender to all of my family and friends. I’m excited to have the opportunity to honor Jasmine in my pictures. I will also be adding my 3 lost little loves in them as well. May all 4 of them be playing together waiting for us mommas when it’s our time.
Photos taken by Berry Beautiful Photography.
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