I got pregnant easily, and very unexpected as I was just 14. Although this was going to be a life changing experience, I was so beyond excited and ready to be a mom to my sweet boy.
My pregnancy was hard but easy. One because I was so young and lived in a small town so everybody was judging me at first but then became supportive. I had so many friends and family waiting for the arrival of my boy.
I was 34 weeks and 2 days when I had him. I caught E. Coli and Strep B and passed it onto him. How I got it is unknown. Knowing that your baby is no longer here makes labor a million times harder, or it did for me. I did everything right. I wasn’t sure how this had happened or why it happened to me. I didn’t know such things like this could happen until it happened to me. I did everything right in my pregnancy and knew that I didn’t deserve this kind of heartbreak.
Losing him has been the hardest thing I will ever experience. It sucks. I never would have imagined I would have to pick out a burial outfit for my boy instead of a going home outfit. I had about an hour with my boy before the funeral home was there to take him. The hospital gave me like a mold of his feet and cut some of his hair so I could keep. The medical staff there was so amazing, I could never thank them enough for giving me such amazing and comforting care while I was in labor and after I had my boy.
His name is Malachi and man he was the chubbiest hairiest little boy I had seen. A cherub Angel in my opinion. After losing him I went into a depressive state where I wished it was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from and unfortunately I had to come to terms that it wasn’t. My heart will forever be broken and have a missing piece.
I hadn’t planned on trying anytime soon and just 3 weeks before his 1st birthday, I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. Just 2 weeks later, my heart would be broken again as I had miscarried my rainbow. No reason as to why.
In honor of my son, I have donated 2 cuddle cots. One where I had him, and the other to a hospital local to where I am. If I had a cuddle cot with Malachi I would’ve been able to spend more than an hour with him. I would’ve been able to do what I had planned for the future in just that short amount of time.
As a loss mom, I’ve met so many other moms and have been able to connect with them and be able to talk about our losses. I hope that others will know that they aren’t alone although they may feel like it.
I am now expecting my rainbow baby in July of 2024.
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My journey to motherhood started like many others, full of excitement and the assumption that it would just work out. Within three months of trying, we were pregnant. We were overjoyed. But that joy didn’t last long. Around five weeks, I miscarried. We were heartbroken, but we tried to stay hopeful. Then, the very next month, I was pregnant again. It felt like a miracle, like maybe the first loss had just been a terrible fluke. But at six weeks, we lost that pregnancy too. That was the moment I realized this wasn’t random. I went to the doctor looking for answers, but I kept hearing the same thing. Everything looks normal. Sometimes this just happens. Just keep trying. I never accepted that, because deep down it never felt right. Loss changes you. There is no way around it. When you lose a pregnancy, you don’t just lose a moment in time. You lose the dreams you had already started building. You imagine birthdays that will never happen, tiny hands you never got to hold, and a future that suddenly disappears. The grief is hard to explain unless you have lived through it. It is the grief that keeps…
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