1 in every 4 pregnancies will end in loss. I knew this. However, I always believed I would be part of the three out of four. But that’s the thing about loss, you never think it will be you but next thing I knew, I’m laid out on the bathroom floor, screaming, crying, begging God to show me mercy.
My husband and I decided that I would come off birth control close to our first wedding anniversary. To our pleasant surprise, I conceived the same month. I vividly remember thinking I was one of “the lucky ones,” who didn’t have to wait. I remember surprising my husband with the news on our first anniversary trip, choosing which room would be the nursery in our first home we had just closed on, contemplating baby names. Everything was coming together, as I had always dreamt it would. When I think back to the woman I was before my losses, I can’t help but envy her naivety, her gentle outlook on life, but mostly, her innocence. I’m angry at her for her blissful ignorance, and sad for her that she would have to learn of this unique type of pain.
After my first loss, I was still getting my HCG levels routinely checked and to my surprise, they started to rise and I was pregnant again! I remember thinking- this was it, my miracle baby, my rainbow, the one who would make it all worth it. I was wrong as I ended up in the ER shortly after with more bad news, facing apologetic faces of the hospital staff telling me there’s nothing to be done. This loss hit harder than the first because I began to question if I am ever going to have a living baby.
Fast forward to four months later when I learned of my current pregnancy. I remember feeling more fear than excitement as I’ve learned the hard way, there is no safe zone in pregnancy and a million positive tests do not guarantee a living baby. I am grateful and hopeful but I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I think this is the reality of pregnancy after loss- welcoming joy while navigating through grief. I hope I get to meet and keep my baby girl.
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