I had my son Cooper Timothy May 2019. I had no issues during pregnancy, labor was 32 hours and resulted in a c section due to failure to progress. My daughter Lyla Ann, was born November 2020. I found out I was pregnant with her the height of the pandemic. I was anxious the entire pregnancy due to so many unknowns, but no issues with pregnancy or delivery. I delivered her via c section.
November 2021 the week before Thanksgiving I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound for baby #3. I had just recently stopped breastfeeding Lyla so doctor said cycle and ovulation may be off. I left the doctor not too worried, just that the timing was off. I went to the doctor the following week (the day before Thanksgiving) and had another ultrasound. The nurse told us baby had not been progressing and to plan for the worse. I still had hope since baby had a strong heartbeat. November 30, 2021 we went back to the doctor for a third ultrasound. It was also Lyla’s 1st birthday. “There is no heartbeat.” This day was a roller coaster of emotions.
Grief is a weird thing. It comes and goes. The days you don’t feel sad you feel guilty for not being sad. After our baby died I was told “but you have two other kids.” “ it was early.” These are not helpful. Our baby died. Our Angel baby would’ve been due July 13. March 2022 I experienced a chemical pregnancy. A loss is a loss.
Finally in May 2022 Mother’s Day weekend I got another positive pregnancy test. To say I was nervous and anxious was an understatement. Pregnancy after loss is nerve wracking and I felt like everyday I was holding my breath.
It wasn’t until 25 weeks when I was constantly feeling baby boy move that I could breathe a little and was more excited for baby than I was nervous. I was still nervous, but the excitement and hope outweighed the fear.
Miscarriage or loss isn’t just the first month-we miss our baby always. You aren’t alone. It is not your fault. Hug your loved ones and don’t take life for granted-babies are truly a miracle.
We met our rainbow baby, Calvin James, January 14. He has been the perfect fit to our family.
Photos taken by Lindsey Ballo Photography.
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