A few years ago my husband and I were married and like most, hopeful, to begin trying to build our family. We were not in a huge rush but also not ‘preventing’ it anymore and letting God take the helm.
After about a year of no luck we had further talks with my OB to understand the ‘why’. It turns out I have PCOS, which essentially boils down to my hormones not synching correctly with my body to send the right signals at the right time. After changing my diet, losing 30lbs, and trying letrozole, we conceived! I was naïve in believing that it would be that ‘easy’.
At 10 weeks instead of hearing congratulations we were met with “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat”. I was scheduled for a D&C shortly after that day.
After some time to grieve we tried again and after a few more months we were referred to a specialist. After a few months with the specialist the next rollercoaster ride was ready for us to hop on.
I felt sick two cycles in a row (right when my Aunt Flow missed her debut) and positive tests confirmed only to find out a few days later that my labs showed I “was pregnant but am losing the pregnancy”.
That part was incredibly tough for both of us so we decided on the third try we would not get our hopes up, I would NOT take a test regardless of how I felt and would just allow the labs to tell their story and the specialist to deliver the news. Third time’s the charm and my levels were excellent but we still kept waiting for something to go wrong.. to lose another sweet baby that we would never have the chance to meet.
Each week seemed a lifetime but we had a 6w appointment to see the heartbeat and verify everything was okay, then an 8w, then a 12w to hear our daughter’s heartbeat and we thought “It’s okay, to be excited now, right?” Everyday before I was able to feel her was hopeful that I would be sick and no symptoms would disappear. After I started feeling her I felt less worrisome but still concerned when I couldn’t (15w-18w).
I am fortunate for a few things this pregnancy: that I have hyperemesis gravidarum so even at week 21 I am still getting my reminder that all is well, that my placenta is posterior so I’ve been able to feel her since week 15 (and even more now as she grows), and finally that every check up I’ve been able to see her or hear the comforting sound of her heart beating.
The journey has been something, not exactly what I thought it would be like, but certainly unique and we are so happy to meet our rainbow this summer. I hope and pray everyday that you all find your rainbow and find comfort in the little things along your journey to meet them.
Photos taken by Dragon Photo Studio.
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